How Hideous Are These Nike Zoom Kobe VII “Cheetah” Sneakers?

Before you read this post, do us a favor. Put on a pair of Ray-Bans. Are they on? Okay, good. Now, take a look at these new Nike Zoom Kobe VII “Cheetah” sneakers? They look okay, right? Now take the shades off…

YIKES! Yeah, we know exactly how you feel. That’s the same way I felt when I first clicked on a link to a pair of these and saw them with my unshielded eyes. And after I stumbled around the house for a few minutes blindly bumping into things, I had just one question to ask Nike: Why? As in, why in the world did you decide to do this to the new Kobes? Don’t get it twisted, I’m still not a fan of these low-top Kobes in Nike’s regular colorway. I think the ankle sleeve is a weird response to players complaining about the lack of ankle support. I don’t think they’re the type of sneaker I’d ever wear off the court. And, frankly, these don’t seem befitting of one of the best players in the NBA. LeBron James is putting out sneakers that are consistently great year in and year out. Kobe? Not so much.

But all of that aside, these things look absolutely hideous to me and I don’t get why Nike even took the time to make them. Like, I wouldn’t want these in my house, let alone on my feet. I wouldn’t wear these if someone paid me $100 or whatever they’re going to go for. I’d rather wear brown bags than try these on for size. If I had to wear these…Oh, you get what I’m saying. I just don’t understand the cheetah print on them, the bright colors, or anything that Nike was trying to do here. Am I crazy? Please tell there’s something I missed. Or, tell me why you hate them as much as I do. Once you get your vision back, of course…